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In Sickness and in Health
Mar 7, 2009 Employee Relations Comments
∞ Friday’s hospital episode (as commented on via Twitter) put me in mind of some of the lectures I got during my tenure at a particularly policy-minded company.
While I was working there, I had to deal with a handful of medical emergencies that required an ambulance. Apparently, dialing 911 from a desk phone sets off all kinds of alarms at this company. There are also apparently several unwritten procedures about how to call emergency services. How they got past me, I don’t know, since I typically consider the employee handbook to be every worker’s BFF.
Oh. Right. They weren’t written.
In the first instance, an employee developed back spasms that, until the paramedics got there, looked for all the world like a seizure to everyone who witnessed it. Well, what do you do when you see someone having a seizure? You get him to a hospital post-haste, that’s what you do. I thought nothing of picking up my phone and calling 911.
Cue the phone calls.
HR: “Did you know someone dialed 911 from your desk phone?”
Me: “Yes, there was a medical emergency. It’s handled - I’m in the middle of writing up the incident form as we speak.”
IT: “We need to look at your phone. It apparently called 911.”
Me: “My phone was acting as my representative at that time.”
Security: “You’re not supposed to call 911. You’re supposed to call us and let us do it.”
Me: “Since it took you twenty minutes to get up here last time I called you, I figured I’d cut out the middleman.”
Facilities: “You have to be careful about abusing 911 because it costs us money.”
Me: “Okay. Next time an employee goes into convulsions I’ll save us the 911 bill so we can pay the lawyer when we get sued.”
This conversation repeated itself the next two times I had to call emergency services. Keep in mind, as I was calling 911, I was barking out instructions to other people to go get necessary parties involved.
There was no policy in place for this - and there shouldn’t be, either. If there’s an emergency and time is critical, I’m not going to waste time on red tape. Either way, this all led to a complaint from one of the employees who went through first aid certification for the company and wasn’t being called to help with the situation.
My response? “We have people who know First Aid?”
HR, IT, Security, and Facilities: “Well, yeah. We’ve got like ten of them just in case something ever happens.”
Me: “Then can you explain to me why, in several years of managing at this company, I’ve never seen a list that tells me who any of those people are?”
And then we played the blame game - no one was responsible for circulating that list, but there definitely should have been one.
Whatever your plan is for emergencies, please keep the number of cooks in the kitchen to an absolute minimum. And don’t yell at the good Samaritan who called for help, either, because after holding it together and navigating through a medical crisis, his nerves are probably just a little bit frayed and he may be tempted to bite your head off. ∞
And Now for Something Completely Different
Mar 6, 2009 Staying Positive Comments
∞ Just passing through quickly - we’ll be back on topic at our regularly scheduled time tomorrow.
It’s not often that I see something that makes me want to share with others. It’s exceedingly rare that I find myself wholly inspired by anyone else. Consumerist has highlighted their reader Tyler, who has done just that. Not only is it admirable that he’s using a blog to hold himself accountable to his very personal goal, but he’s also using this space to share important information.
Maybe it’s the amount of negativity out there right now, but this struck me with the urge to share it as soon as I saw it. We can all do with a trip through the positive every now and again.
Incidentally, I just left a comment at one of the sites in my business links list, and was asked to pass a Captcha check. The word I had to enter?
dedsic
Why yes, I am dead sick, thank you for asking. I’m telling you guys, the man cold isn’t getting enough attention from medical researchers. ∞
Solve It or Quit Griping
Mar 6, 2009 Business Process, Co-workers, Staff Development Comments
∞ A situation came up this week that reminded me of a lesson in problem-solving from some time ago. Let’s set the stage:
- One of my groups’ workflow came from a report worked by another department.
- This other department hadn’t touched that report in a good month.
- Because of that, the employee in my department devoted to workflow originating from that report had nothing to do. At all.
- The manager of this other department told my manager that this work is “not on their list of priorities.”
Cue one of my newer managers coming to speak with me. Her team’s performance rating was running quickly into the sewer, because of delays in work getting to her employee. She wanted me to go to my counterpart over there and raise a little bit of hell.
Back up a minute. All we’re doing is complaining here, yes? Where’s the solution? What do we want to see?
“Well… I want them to do their work!”
“No, Grasshopper, you want your team to look good.”
As it turns out, this report is really, really low on my counterpart’s list of priorities. None of her clients scrutinize it, so there’s no reason for her to shift it to the top of the pile. So I asked, with one of those innocent sideways grins at my manager, “what kind of time investment is this report?”
An hour a week, to generate a week’s worth of work for one person.
Let’s have another sly look at my manager, who has seen the light. I say, “Well, if it’s way down there for you, but critical for me, could you spare someone for half an hour today to show one of my people how to do it? It just doesn’t make sense for this to be your responsibility, when its only impact is on one of my departments.” Getting rid of work that isn’t getting done? Yeah, she could give me half an hour of someone’s time for that.
Problem solved. Because the manager in this other department knew its importance to us all along, though, I did ask my counterpart privately to give him a prod on communication. This really is something he should have said to us a long time ago.
There. Easy solution, all around.
Now, who knows what I’d have come up with if this became an issue today, when the Sadistic Manager became the Sudafed Stoner? I can just see myself trying to convince Accounting or HR to take on the report. Next time I have to take drugs, I’m staying home.
Yes, Ladies and Gentlemen, the Sadistic Manager is suffering from the dreaded man cold. Watch this space for an update from my next of kin re: where to send the wreaths and condolence cards. ∞
HR: Getting That Seat at the Table
∞ Every so often, I see comments in the HR community - particularly since I’ve become an active business blogger - about HR getting that seat at the table. I’ve worked for companies where HR had that seat. In every single case, they wasted it.
Chris Ferdinandi of Renegade HR, the most recent addition in the Sadistic Manager business links section, gets a lot of things right in the manifesto behind his blog. The number one reason HR isn’t invited to participate more actively in the business world is that, within their individual companies, they usually don’t add any value. At all. Zip. Zero. Zilch.
Every time HR has spoken up in a meeting I’ve attended, the first, last, and only thing out of their mouths has been something on the lines of “enforce this policy” or “let me tell you why this policy is in place.” I ranted a bit the other day about what HR isn’t, and policy enforcement - while it may be a concern for them - is not their primary function.
One of the key concepts in Renegade HR’s manifesto is, “Don’t ask for a seat at the table. Take one.” I have some very simple advice on how HR can do just that. It may not be as quick a fix as you’d hope, but from the business perspective, it’s gold. And those of you on the business management side should consider asking your HR folks to do this favor for you anyway.
Forget policy.
Deal with daily business reality.
How can you format this? Easy. Approach executive management about setting up a once monthly meeting with management and supervisory staff. Format it in a way that offers ongoing business training (now you’ve got management’s attention) while at the same time educating those managers and supervisors on how to limit liability to the company.
Don’t tell me HR doesn’t have a wealth of knowledge to offer in these areas, just based on their everyday experience.
Pick a relevant and timely topic for each meeting. You can discuss how to handle complaints of sexual harassment. You can discuss how to manage and work with different personalities. You can discuss hiring criteria. Discipline is a great topic that could span multiple meetings, and there’s not a single company out there that couldn’t benefit from better training in how to handle that. You could even work in the importance of consistency in discipline and policy enforcement - I’ll guarantee you most management doesn’t see the danger of setting lax precedents.
In short, write up scenarios based on the things that come across your desk every day, and educate the management in your company on how to deal with those. I guarantee you’ll go from policy nag to respected teacher in no time, and any executive who doesn’t give you that hour every month is an idiot.
And how does this get HR to the table? When management starts reporting to their executives that they’ve learned so much from you, and that you have such fantastic insight into so many things - even if all you’re doing is teaching common sense - the executives will start to wonder why you weren’t brought in on those key decisions before. Results work.
And if you’re approached about anything outside this context, let the business-side execs see what you can do - outside the realm of policy enforcement.
As it stands, I have to devote time in my meetings with management staff to training on these topics. Am I qualified to do that? Absolutely. There’s nothing in the management world I haven’t seen, probably twice.
But, you can be sure, HR could do it a hell of a lot better than I do. ∞
You Pay Me to be Smarter Than You, Right?
Mar 4, 2009 Business Ethics, Business Process Comments
∞ Dear Client,
Please disregard this email. It’s just like every other “Sadist is covering his ass” email you have ever received. You haven’t paid attention to any of the previous ones, so I don’t expect a response to the bulk of the content in this one either.
Ostensibly, I want to confirm the directive you gave me for handling your business in the future. As you well know, I won’t implement directives from you that I haven’t received in writing. I understand the potential benefits of the course of action you’re taking, but you don’t seem to have heard me when I told you, using none of the latest industry buzzwords you spouted to me, that your idea is stupid.
Of course, “stupid” is one of those buzzwords we don’t use in front of clients. I did point out, however, that by committing to this course of action, you stand to lose - conservatively and before your customers’ outrage factors in - approximately eleventy billion dollars in lost business and lawsuits.
Yes, I said the “L” word. You pay me to say it for you, so you don’t have to hear it from angry people whose names are followed by a bunch of letters that possibly include “J.D.” or “Esq.” Or potentially both, if someone really wants to scare the pants off of you. The letters “B,” “A,” and “R” on their letterheads don’t refer to alcohol, either. If you don’t listen to me, you will be hearing from these people.
By replying to this email and directing me, in writing, to continue working with you according to the instructions you gave me on the phone, you are consenting to leave my name out of any litigation that arises when you realize in the future that I was right.
Love and fuzzy bunnies,
Sadistic Manager
Let me clarify for my readers: I have, in the past, risked losing clients by refusing to engage in unethical business practices. Most of the time, they don’t want to see the potential explosions their ideas might cause. When I send emails like this, I’m agreeing to follow instructions that are ill-advised, because the customer is always right most of the time. I never consent to providing unethical or illegal services, and have on more than one occasion had my employer’s in-house counsel vet my refusals for me.
My advice to every provider of every service out there: even if the customer is always right, cover your ass. When things blow up, you need to have proof that you advised your customer of potential risk when you took on their project, and that they told you to do it anyway. This may seem like common sense - and it is - but I’ve seen tons of managers and executives get burned by not covering themselves in this way.
My clients like to toss me under buses whenever they can. Part of any sound business plan is taking away those opportunities, wherever possible. You can bet I’m going to cover myself extensively when there’s potential for losses that exceed my annual salary by, oh, an amount somewhere around half the country’s national debt.
When in doubt, table the issue so you can consult internally. You’ll never go wrong with a second opinion. ∞
Put Down the Manager Hat and Back Away Slowly
Mar 3, 2009 Employee Relations, Problem Behaviors Comments
∞ A reader writes:
A few weeks ago, I had to sit in on a written warning being delivered to one of my employees for sexual harassment. I supported this, because he really had gone over the top in trying to make the acquaintance of a woman on my team.
After this was done, I started noticing this employee having lunch with the victim of his harassment. Either they were in the lunch room or going out together. This has gone on since just a few days after everything blew up. HR doesn’t see any reason to be involved now because there haven’t been any further complaints and there doesn’t seem to be any chance of retaliation happening. What are the implications of this new relationship? Should I say something to her? Or to him?
Absolutely you should say something to your female employee. How about, “When is he meeting the parents?” Or, no, even better - “What a lovely surprise! Are children in your future?” Wait, wait, I know! Ask him how he feels about losing out on the next promotion opportunity because he’s too stupid to leave her alone!
Who knows what the implications are? It could be that she offered the olive branch and made peace with the guy. It could be an elaborate plot for revenge. You may never know, and you certainly shouldn’t go digging. If I were you, I wouldn’t touch this beautiful new friendship with a ten foot pole. This is one boat you definitely don’t want to rock.
Say they have an argument and she chooses to renew her claim of sexual harassment. There’d be very little anyone could do to disprove it. Or what if you planted a bug in his ear and he decided to file a complaint himself, since she approached him and is just exacerbating his feelings for her?
Yeah, maybe you feel that, as their boss, it’s your job to coach them about the impression they’re making in the office. Don’t. She looks fickle, he looks sleazy, and no way is anyone going to ask them to set the record straight if they ever toss their name in the ring for career advancement. If a damaging perception has been created by their budding personal relationship, they’ll have to deal with the fallout entirely on their own.
God forbid you say something like that and one of them gets passed over for a promotion later. The seed will have been planted, and if they can find a way to turn it around on their association with each other - particularly knowing they got to know each other through a documented complaint process - it all has the potential to end in tears.
Let it drop. If any unpleasantness surfaces again, deal with it through HR.
Although. . . it sure would be fun to see their reaction if you dug up some old mistletoe and dangled it over their desks. ∞
Search Box Scatter
Mar 2, 2009 Staff Development Comments
∞ I just took an educational spin through some of the Google statistics available for my website. I’m finding that, by and large, the traffic I’m getting from Google searches is relevant - there’s further support for that in that some of the reader questions I’ve gotten were from visitors pointed here by search engines.
There are just as many odd and amusing search strings that have led people here. Today’s post runs the gauntlet of search terms that have brought people here, from the astute to the absurd, in no particular order.
1. “What happens when a subordinate goes around their manager without giving the manager a chance to handle a situation?”
Inconsiderate, certainly. Unless it’s a sexual harassment issue or otherwise related to hostile work environments. Part of managing is understanding that someone else’s employees may not be prepared to discuss certain topics with their own management chain.
As to what happens, if someone went around you to deal with an issue other than sexual harassment, I’d say you need to reflect on the fact that he or she wasn’t comfortable coming to you. Why not? Don’t address it directly with your employee - nine times out of ten, that’ll only make it worse. But check your demeanor and your level of receptiveness to input from your staff. Something’s missing, and it’s up to you to figure out what and fix it.
2. “Sexa Tout”
Throw an extra space in that one and, apparently, you have all the sex in French. If someone familiar with French slang wants to enlighten me on this one, I promise not to retaliate…
3. “Office Clown”
Why thank you.
4. “Expectations from a manager to office staff”
Opinionated? Me? What on Earth could you possibly mean?
I’m pleased to see terms like this pointing here, though. Communication to staff is one of the big things I absolutely insist on seeing from my management personnel.
5. “Sexual talk in toilet okay.”
Those of you who follow me on Twitter may remember this one. Puts me in mind of the former employee who used to play grope with his co-workers - in the men’s room, of all places. You’ll note I said former employee. He’s lucky no one clocked him.
6. “You’ll never pose in this town again.”
But my modeling career hasn’t even had a chance! What did I do? Please, you have to let me make this up to you! Just let me make love to one more camera, I’m begging you!
…
Or not. The only pose I’ve ever been caught in have been those semi-candid family reunion shots that invariably seem to feature my startled realization that someone has a camera on me. I hate those things.
7. “Business Gossip”
Oh. My. God. You’ll never believe what I heard from Jane, down in Accounting? Yeah. I couldn’t believe it, could you? Poor Dick, seeing all those spots…
This post is turning into a management blooper reel.
8. “Business ethics of firing when given notice.”
Use an event like this to figure out how your performance can improve. As a general rule, people who’ve worked for me tend to give me serious advance notice of their plans to leave. In one case, I had about nine months’ notice, when an employee decided to go back to school full-time as of a set date and felt comfortable telling me that far in advance.
And why shouldn’t she? She was the best employee I had at the time, so you bet I kept her until the very last minute. Those who I’ve asked to leave before their preferred end date are the ones who were leaving because they knew they’d be fired soon for poor performance anyway.
9. “Give me back my job again.”
No.
Unless you happen to be one of those people who gave me an insane amount of notice and worked every minute of every day until your stated last day.
10. “Sadistic Bosses.”
We are legion. ∞
Amistad? I think not.
Mar 1, 2009 Problem Behaviors Comments
∞ The Hiring Site blog over at CareerBuilder has a great post this week about excuses for tardiness. It features such gems as “My husband thinks it’s funny to hide my car keys before he goes to work,” and “I got locked in my trunk by my son.”
All of which may be true, but if the company’s expectation is that you show up on time, it’s your responsibility to make sure you do. If that has to include slapping your spouse and grounding your child for creating stupid adventures like this, so be it.
The post goes on to ask for the most outrageous excuses readers have heard - or used. I shared mine there, but it’s such a great story I had to tell it here as well. It was also an object lesson for me that continuity of expectations is an absolute requirement when management changes.
One of my employees once left for lunch and didn’t show back up for the rest of the day. I was a shiny new manager at the time - my first ever management gig - so I didn’t have the tact and polish that I have now. Given the circumstances, I can’t say I’m sure I’d be able to keep a lid on my natural response now, either.
Here’s the conversation I had with her the next day, to the best of my recollection. It has to be mostly intact, because this isn’t the kind of thing you forget in a hurry. Or ever.
“I couldn’t come back after lunch yesterday because I had to be in court for moral support for my daughter, because she was testifying against the people who kidnapped her and sold her into slavery.”
I thought for a second, and asked, “Why couldn’t you have scheduled this time off in advance?”
“Because,” came the reply, “we didn’t know when they’d be ready for her testimony.”
“I see,” I said. “Why didn’t you call me?”
“Because they don’t let you use phones in court.” This said in a tone that conveyed her thought: DUH, what are you, stupid?
“I see,” I said again. “And you really expect me to buy that?”
She went on to say it was all over the news that week. I told her I must be watching the wrong channel at 10:00, because I hadn’t heard anything about it. Being the glutton for punishment that I am, I asked where she was taken as part of this ordeal. She apparently ended up being put to work in Kansas. Who’d have thought there was a thriving slave trade business alive and well smack in the middle of the United States as we approached the end of the twentieth century?
Insert a Toto reference of your choice here.
I knew, from my briefing on taking over this group, that there was an absenteeism issue with this employee. Through some glitch in the system, she’d been given two final written warnings over the fact that she was gone more than half the time she was expected to be at work.
So, I told her I wanted a copy of the court order and/or schedule that led to her daughter being required to appear if I was going to put the absence down as excused. She immediately told me there wasn’t one. I also told her that, given her recent history, if she missed any more time for this issue I’d need to see a court order requiring her own presence ahead of time. “That’s not reasonable,” she said. “And anyway, previous disciplinary action doesn’t count because it was done by a different manager.”
To my credit, I didn’t laugh. I explained that yes, it does still count, and that any more unexcused absences would see the final written warning being invoked. She didn’t show or call the next day, and the rest, as they say, is history.
I do have to point to another of the excuses listed at The Hiring Site, though: “I walked into a spider web on the way out the door and couldn’t find the spider, so I had to go inside and shower again.” This, as far as I’m concerned, is a valid excuse for being late for anything, up to and including the birth of your own child. Because really? Spiders are the living definition of fear. ∞
How Not to Handle Sexual Harassment
Feb 28, 2009 Problem Behaviors Comments
∞ I have a new theory for handling those who engage in sexual harassment. Rather than involving HR and investigations and disciplinary actions and zero tolerance policies, let’s introduce a “Long Walks on the Beach” section into our corporate newsletters. Those unfortunate lonely hearts who feel they need to make a pass at their co-workers can finally have an outlet for their sleaziness.
And just think of the money you’d save on employment counsel.
Sure, there’ll be an adjustment period, but it won’t take long to get your company used to your new open-minded approach to the wonderful effect pheromones can have on productivity and morale. Follow these easy steps, and you’ll be featuring your single office slimeballs in no time.
- Conclude successful interviews with a lascivious wink instead of a handshake. Send a clear signal that you want that candidate.
- Institute football praise in your office. When someone does something noteworthy, slap him on the ass in front of his team. Bonus points if you can rig a camera so the praise can be relived at a later time.
- Mediate all complaints a la Divorce Court. If someone has a problem with a sexually charged comment, put her in the room with the guy who made it so he can have a second chance to explain to her what he really meant.
- Install narrower tables in your break rooms to facilitate footsie during lunch hours.
- Invite the leading thong underwear manufacturer to sponsor your new corporate activity: the whale tail competition.
- Include love match statistics on pay stubs. “This man also earns this salary. Wink at him for free, or for a small monthly payroll deduction, you can learn which department he works in and where his favorite water cooler can be found!”
These are just some of the things you can do to get your company ready for the new and improved matchmaking service. Saving money on employment counsel and generating revenue in this tough economy? I’m so there.
I shouldn’t have to say that the preceding was entirely facetious. Given some of the comments I’ve seen on other business blogs lately, though, I want to make sure I’m covered there.
This post has been brought to you by the most egregious mess of a sexual harassment situation I have ever seen in my entire career. I know I’m usually very verbiose, but I really don’t have the words to say how grateful I am not to have been directly involved in this one. A comment about a co-worker’s sexual attributes that should have resulted in a long walk straight off the short employment pier, however, ended up in a “let me explain myself” meeting in the HR office and a terrified victim.
I think what bothers me the most is that I know the managers and HR staff involved in this issue. They sat next to me at a mandatory off-site sexual harassment seminar last summer. They should know better, and I’m left mystified by the entire thing.
Then again, if we’re changing direction to help our employees find the loves of their lives, I suppose I shouldn’t have a complaint. After all, co-workers have so much in common already, I don’t know why we don’t include an “about you” section on the I-9. ∞
Speaking of taking advantage…
Feb 27, 2009 Uncategorized Comments
∞ … of the new unemployment plan…
Is anyone else seeing employees say or do things that are the equivalent of jumping up and down and shouting, “FIRE ME!” I’ve seen this twice now, and I just don’t understand it. I mean, I know I said in an earlier post that I was considering it, but I was just kidding.
If anyone reading this is tempted, keep in mind that most employers I’m familiar with nowadays are objecting to unemployment claims when people pull a stunt that’s out of character and obviously designed to get them fired. The managers I’m aware of in the above situations have documentation put together already to fight this very thing.
Oh, my, what an exhausting day. ∞
