Recent Entries
Posted Mar 18, 2009 by Sadistic Manager
Rewarding Performance
∞ Having gone over horror stories last week, and having been absolutely floored with a fantastic surprise today, I’d like to ask now what your pleasant office surprises have been.
I asked one of my management team to give me a new hire for a project today. I needed basic information so I could interpret it and give it back to our client, possibly after wrapping in last year’s Christmas paper and slapping a pretty red bow on top. I take new hires for this kind of thing all the time. It gives them some additional exposure to our business, and hopefully some insight into why we do what we do as well.
So, I explained to this new hire - who’s about two months into his job - what I needed, and gave him a basic rundown of why I needed it. Since I turn these things into training exercises, I told him I wanted to see him about half an hour before he left, so I could go into detail about the underlying issue and why the project was important.
I should point out here that I don’t expect anything approaching proficiency at the work this particular department does until someone’s been working with it for five or six months. It’s moderately difficult, extremely layered, and overall very complex.
Imagine my surprise, then, when Mr. Hotshot showed up for the “training session” and handed me his results all wrapped up - including the proverbial pretty red bow. As it turns out, he had figured out for himself the core issue, the needed fix, and in the process, he had picked out another issue that needs some relatively urgent attention. I’d have found it myself while going through the data he pulled, but hey - now I don’t have to. Instead of bringing a pen and paper to take notes on the process when he came to talk to me, he instead gave me a written report that I fully intend to give - without edits - to our client.
I did make him a bit nervous, I think, with the amount of time my jaw spent on the floor after he handed this to me. I was shocked, and unable to hide it. His accomplishment should be impossible, but there we were. He broke first, asking, “It’s okay that I did that, right?” Well, his only experience with me so far has been all business, and I tend to be more on the efficient, give-me-only-what-I-need end of the spectrum when I show up needing something from his boss.
Being me, of course I had to call his boss and, in my best evil voice, summon her into my presence. I ran through the whole thing, and asked her, “can you believe he did this?” She broke the tension when she said, “Yeah, I did good hiring him, didn’t I? Told you I’d found a good one.”
… What? I am the Sadistic Manager, after all… ∞
Posted Mar 17, 2009 by Sadistic Manager
Co-workers
∞ I overheard the line “just fix it” used in a conversation with IT today, which reminded me of old private IT jokes.
A dubious honor was once bestowed on me, when an IT pro in one of my company’s satellite offices printed out a trouble ticket I’d entered and tacked it to his wall. I found this when I went by to introduce myself and say hello during a visit to this office. Apparently, it’s the best ticket he’s ever gotten, becuase it showed some personality.
I don’t advise wasting IT’s time. There are ways, though, to be remembered as someone they want to help - just as in any environment where one person is performing a service for another. Part of my successful relationship with IT where I’ve worked has been the fact that I don’t expect them to drop everything and rush to my aid, and show appropriate gratitude when they do. I’m also computer literate enough that when I open a trouble ticket, it’s usually something really wrong that I don’t have the right permissions to fix.
I’m also apparently entertaining. That ticket on the wall?
Suzie Q. Employee on the fourth floor maintains that she didn’t distribute drugs to her computer, but it’s giving her the error message in the attached screenshot anyway. This is getting in the way of a semi-critical job function for her, so if you could get it into rehab as soon as possible I’d appreciate it. I’ve listed below her phone number and the exact steps she takes up to the point when the error message pops up.
I should point out that the culture was such that I could get away with that joke. You don’t want to inadvertently make a comment about a drug-addled desktop to a member of Narcotics Anonymous, but since I’d had tickets closed in the past with lines like “who knows? I reinstalled it since it was on drugs,” I figured I was safe. I became known as the guy with the sense of humor and an appropriate level of patience for the process, and I was told later that they love getting tickets from me.
IT is just like any other group you might have to interact with. Give them the information they need to help you, and they’re happy to do it. If you don’t know what they need or how to get it, be up-front about it and ask. It’s not their responsibility to divine, a la Miss Cleo, what’s wrong and how to fix it. They don’t expect you to know exactly what’s wrong, but you have to work with them.
And yes, I did explain this to the person I overheard getting snotty with IT. If good work relations aren’t a good enough reason, you should at the very least be nice to the guy who can read your email. ∞
Posted Mar 16, 2009 by Sadistic Manager
Uncategorized
∞ I have a fun office activity for my readers this week that will require you to develop an interest in birdwatching. Take a moment for your research. I’ll wait.
Okay. Now, can you identify a bird when you see one? Great. You have a new hobby.
With your new-found interest at heart, personalize your work area with pictures of the bird shown at the left, which is commonly known as the booby. More than one picture is necessary in order for you to have your boobies on display.
Call attention to your boobies. Point out your boobies to visitors to your workspace. Explain to those around you that you’re fascinated with your boobies. Share with them the fact that you had to put them up at work because there just aren’t enough hours outside the workday to stare at your boobies.
When faced with the consequences of enthusiastically showing off your boobies at work, point out in a dire tone the consequences of being barred from showing off your boobies.
Incidentally, no, I’m not hiring at the moment. Why do you ask?
We’ll return to more serious topics after tomorrow, which wil no doubt be less stressful and more conducive to serious thought. ∞
Posted Mar 14, 2009 by Sadistic Manager
Employee Relations, Rewarding Performance
∞ And the girls, too. Let’s not have any Title VII rumblings here, thank you.
I have enough humility that I’m still amazed by the kind of loyalty people show me in the workplace. The point was made today that I earn it, but still. I always feel awkward when someone passes up a good opportunity because they don’t want to move away from me. It’s flattering, sure, but I always feel a little guilty whenever I have to tell people I don’t want them sidetracking their careers because they’d rather continue working for me.
I had to have my management team scout for volunteers to work today. We had a minor explosion yesterday that required some extra attention before I let on to our clients that it happened. I figured I’d spend seven or eight hours working on it today with two or three volunteers who don’t much care that it’s a perfect day for the first time this year to get outdoors and stay there for a while.
I eventually had to turn people away before my overtime budget started looking like the national deficit.
I wondered out loud, half to myself, why everyone was at work on such a gorgeous day, and the answers made a great management point. Giving people what they need not only to do their jobs but to enjoy them as well has its rewards for management. Little things that one might classify as networking will pay off, and you shouldn’t be excused from networking with people just because you already work with them on a regular basis.
The answers I got?
I heard from one employee that she jumped at the chance to give me a hand, because I stood up for her when a client wrongly accused her of incompetence to my bosses. (Sadistic Manager Standard Rules of Engagement: You don’t screw around with my people. It won’t come back to bite you. I will, though, if I can do it in a way that’s safe for the business.)
I heard from another that because I’d given my personal time to critiquing a school assignment for him from the perspective of my position, he wanted to return the favor by helping me with something that was important to me.
Yet another was motivated to put in the overtime because I had remembered to ask about a family member who had been ill, when she didn’t even realize I’d been aware of it in the first place.
All of them commented on the fact that I didn’t accept their help with the problem and then sit there to supervise. I was working right alongside them the whole time. (Management who feel they shouldn’t have to do the work because of their position, or who are so out of touch that they can’t do the work, irritate the living hell out of me.) And that seven or eight hour workday? Done in three, and I’m going to see about dipping into the budget for the overtime I didn’t use to buy lunch for those who came in to help today.
And on it went, proving the point that you get out of your work exactly what you put into it. Which, I suppose, is why I don’t resort to violence, even when I’d probably be justified in doing so. ∞
Posted Mar 13, 2009 by Sadistic Manager
Problem Behaviors
∞ With a nod to the calendar, I’d like to share a workplace horror story, and invite you - through comments or links to your own blog posts - to share yours.
I once was responsible for a team of people who handled first-line customer contact in a high-risk area for several clients. Our training was extensive and ongoing, as giving the wrong answer or handing out the wrong information could result in a big cost to our clients (which is why they paid us - to take the risk for them).
I hired a man who had an extensive and distinguished customer service background. He was definitely qualified, and said he liked the idea of having as his purpose standing in defense of our clients, which is how I described the position when I explained the importance of what we did. As it turns out, however, he didn’t like having to withhold information and leave our clients’ customers in the dark about certain things.
Now, I’m not saying we worked for shady companies. Remember, this was a high-risk area, so if certain things were to be disclosed, we insisted that they be disclosed by an attorney. Our employee, however, felt that any good customer service agent should provide all of the information customers are asking for, without hesitation.
We had a couple of near misses at the start, but he fell in line and apparently suffered in silence for about a year. Then he became very vocal about his disagreement with the “horrible service expectations” we imposed on our staff. We explained again - several times - that the point behind our arrangement was to avoid losing money. Buckets of money. Many, many, buckets of money.
Things came to a head when he finally decided he was mad as hell and wasn’t gonna take it anymore. He resigned.
Not professionally with a letter addressed to me and our HR rep. Not after an argument with me about why he refused to work to my expectations anymore. No. I found out about his resignation when I read the email he sent around lunch time - addressed to me, his entire team, and many representatives and managers at many clients’ offices - stating that “today will be my last day with this company.” The email went on to scold those involved for participating in such an awful program.
And then he seemed surprised when I met him at his desk with security behind me to show him the door, as if I was going to let him work the rest of the day. Your last day? You got that right, buddy.
The only sign that something wasn’t quite right with him? As we ushered him out the door, he asked me in a tone that indicated nothing was wrong whatsoever: “Oh, by the way, my wife is apparently throwing me some huge party for the big three-oh. It just wouldn’t be a big celebration without you. Think you can make it?”
Don’t ask me how long it took to clean up the fallout from the nuclear explosion that email caused. Seriously. Just don’t.
What are some of your frightening office tales? ∞
Posted Mar 12, 2009 by Sadistic Manager
Uncategorized
∞ Is anyone else as irritated as I am by some of the job titles companies are coming up with? I’ve seen references to research that indicates this is a valuable employee engagement tool, but it still blows my mind. I haven’t seen this research, mind you, which as far as I’m concerned is a good thing. Better yet that I haven’t met the researchers.
As I write this, a meal is being conveyed to me by a “Delivery Expert.” Earlier this week, I interacted with a “Customer Experience Technician.”
Really? Really?!
I have a hard time stomaching “specialist” when it’s used for entry-level people whom companies don’t want to call “representatives.”
Maybe the research shows that this works, but it would never work on me. It all seems too gimmicky and condescending. Others agree - one team I managed complained about the titles assigned to their roles.
I made light of this theory to entertain that team and make a point. One afternoon, my staff and I decided to change our titles on all internal emails we sent for an hour. Line level staff became “minions,” followed by “henchmen” and “villains.” My response to the one inquiry I received about what my team was doing was signed by the “dark overlord.”
The point I made? What we’re called has nothing to do with who we are or what we bring to work every day. If anything, we got more done that afternoon than we otherwise would have, even if only because everyone wanted an excuse to send more email. ∞
Posted Mar 11, 2009 by Sadistic Manager
Interviewing and Hiring
∞ Internal referrals scare me. A lot. There are two reasons for this.
The idea behind rewarding referrals is sound - who knows better what’s required to work somewhere than people who already do? The referral programs that come without disclaimers, though, tend to make me head for the hills. I don’t mean the standard line, either: “We won’t pay you the bonus for recommending your friend/sibling/child/cat until s/he has been employed with the company for X days.”
This isn’t so much an issue in the current job market, but those who recommend family and friends for work have, in my experience, been in one of two categories. They’re either in it for the reward or they’re duped by someone who’s a very reliable friend/sibling/child/cat but who, in the workplace, sucks. The disclaimer I want to see on these programs - and have actually gotten implemented once, but haven’t had that success since - is:
Referrals should be based on your knowledge of your position and the company in general. Recommend only people you are confident will be successful working in our environment.
If I had a hammer on me, I’d nail on the point: Excessive referrals of unqualified or underperforming candidates will get your eligibility to participate in this program yanked.
I’m not saying that people are ultimately responsible for the performance of people they recommend. I’ve seen excellent candidates make it through the hiring process, only to behave like total idiots once they were hired. Likewise, I’ve seen referrals with no industry education or experience who’ve become top peformers in short spaces of time. If we wanted people to be accountable for those they refer, we’d have to limit it to people they’ve worked with in the past.
At the same time, I’ve seen entire families of average to below-average workers get into large companies based on referrals. This is where my second reason comes in.
I preach consistency in policy enforcement. HR preaches consistency in policy enforcement. But what happens when a referral is hired and turns out to be as useless as boobies on a boar? People start thinking, “oh, I’ll give him a little leeway. He knows so-and-so.” When performance issues continue, staff starts thinking, “I wish I was related to someone here so I could screw off like that.” Then management starts obsessing: “OMIGOD I have to fire this person and she’s my work-friend’s daughter and my work-friend is never going to talk to me again.”
I had a few awkward moments after firing someone in these circumstances, but I still feel that connections shouldn’t matter. I’m not discussing someone’s termination with their friends regardless of where those friends work, so what difference should it make?
I’d like to know how other workplaces are treating this. Has the issue been any more visible since the unemployment rate took a hike? ∞
Posted Mar 10, 2009 by Sadistic Manager
Dealing with Bosses
∞ A manager friend asked me today what he should do about his new boss.
Said new boss has been at the Director level for about two months now. In conversation, he’ll give a directive for something to take place, and a week or so later ask my friend why something was implemented in a certain way - the way he was told to do it in the first place. This has happened a handful of times since the new guy was promoted.
Last week, new boss decided it was time for a serious conversation to address the lack of respect for the way he wanted things done. When my friend pointed out, in as non-accusatory way as he was able, that he couldn’t be held accountable for changes in plans, his boss became defensive and refused to admit that this may have contributed to the issue.
My first question, of course, was, “Did you rap his head against the conference table until he saw stars and birds sense?”
Of course not.
My friend, of course, wanted to go around his boss and report the problem. I talked him down from that particular ledge. Time and place, and all that. My take on the situation, based on what I was told:
The new boss is insecure in his position. Kind of a sign he wasn’t ready for it in the first place, but hopefully he’ll grow out of it. My guess is he doesn’t understand what’s expected of him for his department, so when his bosses question him, he blames his manager and changes direction. That kind of thing snowballs into “well, why haven’t you addressed the insubordination?” And so we have a serious conversation to save face.
While that may not be dead-on, trying to go over the head of someone in a position you just tried to get is never a good idea. Instead, I suggested confirming directives through email first. Don’t accuse the guy of saving face or throwing you under the bus. Don’t seek revenge for this conversation. You’ll tank your chances for the future and look bitter if you do.
Get your instructions in writing for a bit, while you build a level of trust with the new boss and while the new boss figures out what the hell he’s doing. This can be as easy as shooting him an email after a meeting and saying “just to make sure I’m clear, you want me to do $foo and $bar. Please confirm.”
Then he’ll change his mind, but he won’t be able to hang it on you. If he tries to hold you accountable anyway - especially formally - you’ll have his written instructions to clear you. He’ll look like a jackass in the process, so don’t blow it up when you haul those emails out to defend yourself.
And, if you need to vent, I understand supply closets are great places for primal scream sessions. Not totally sound-proof, but there’s the added benefit that people won’t want to cross you later… ∞
Posted Mar 8, 2009 by Sadistic Manager
Miscellaneous
∞ Good thing it’s the weekend.
In order to feel fresh each Monday morning, I recommend the following steps:
- Skip the NyQuil because you’re no longer sicker than two dogs.
- Stay up for a bit - hey, it’s the weekend - playing around with an addictive new game you bought to treat yourself.
- Navigate into an area of that game that’s loaded with the (very realistically rendered) object of your very severe phobia, so you don’t actually close your eyes until several hours after you shut the game down in a panic.
See? Guaranteed to sleep like a baby.
Those monsters are creepy.
Of course, this is all tongue-in-cheek. I have a couple of employees who live for these kinds of games, and they don’t get any sympathy from me when they stay up all night playing. Although maybe we could use it as some kind of team-building thing, and become known as that crazy clique who think 4:00 a.m. is a perfectly reasonable time to be awake… ∞
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